Today I want to Go Home


sm-Tom-Sine

Today I just want to go home. I am missing Tom, I am missing our dog Bonnie and I am missing our “normal” life back in Seattle. I know I am in the right place but it is so hard sitting here watching my mother’s life slowly, oh so slowly, ebb away.

Yesterday I changed my airline tickets home, delaying my return for another 10 days. It might need to be delayed again. None of us know how long this dying will take and it is agony for all of us.

I am reminded of the words of the Psalmist:

Psalm 13

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.

When death hovers over a loved one like this the cry of all our hearts is – “how long”? but in the midst I still know that God’s love will never fail and I cling to that. I pray each morning and evening for God’s peace to rest on my mother and for God’s love to engulf her. I know your prayers are with me.

14 Responses

  1. I can only imagine how much you are missing Tom, Bonnie and home life here… Psalm 13 ~ what beautiful words to share. As our family is in the midst of great challenges and we just want to reach the outcome and have this interim time pass, God reminded me this morning to focus on each day, looking for the tiniest of blessings (and to expect bigger ones), to live in the present moment and not wish for tomorrow and the release from these present difficulties. This shall be my prayer for you ~ to be fully present, alive in each moment of these days experiencing God and family and life in special ways. Sending my prayers and seeking His great comfort and sustenance for you. Life overflowing; abundant. And, peace for your Mum.

  2. Thanks Joan beautiful thoughts and I will hold them close to me. Living in the moment is I know important.

  3. Following your posts loving you and understanding your feelings and learning from your experience. Thanks for sharing all this.

  4. You continue to be held in our prayers hang in with God and I pray our prayers hel that process and your Mother’s arrival in eternity

  5. I am sitting at ‘home’ preparing to write a sermon based on the lectionary readings for tomorrow, esp Psalm 107:1-9, 43 and Hosea 11:1-11.

    What I am taking out of these readings is the call to praise God just because He Is Good as well as because of all that He Has Done for us.
    Also that the ‘home’ we have now is nothing in comparison to the home we will have when we are truly HOME with Jesus in heaven.

    May God’s Peace rest on you and on those you love.

  6. Christine: the other thing I think of this morning as I think of you and I am about to leave for some hospital visits, is simply the ministry of presence. I think that your presence with your mom, as difficult as it is, may be the greatest gift you could ever give her. These days and times will be etched into your soul and I truly believe God will use them to change you in some way. He is writing his love on your heart in a new way as you express that love for your Mum. I am really coming to believe that the simple ministry of presence is often the greatest gift we can give. God bless you again for loving your Mum in this special way.

    • Thanks Coe – I think you are right. I have been reading a book on pilgrimage to Mum over the last week and one thing it says that really impacted me is that walking in the slowest pace for noticing and naming. We live in a world where we are travelling too fast to notice or to be present. In this situation I am learning to be present to the moment in new ways.

  7. Dear Christine,
    Thank you for opening your hearts to us over these last several days. I was reading a book called “Christian Meditation” by James Finley today and a quote jumped out at me and made me think of you and your mom: “As Saint Mechtilde heard God say to her, ‘Do not fear your death. For in that moment, I will breathe in my breath, and your soul will come to me like a needle to a magnet.'”

    As your mom breathes in, she breathes in God, and as she breathes out, she breathes out into God. May your awareness of her breathing make you continue to be aware of your own and how you also are breathing in and out in oneness with God and with your mom.

    We will miss you at the Celtic retreat, but you know we will be praying for you and will be one with you in spirit.

    Sundee

  8. This is beautiful – thank you

  9. […] Today I want to Go Home (godspace.wordpress.com) […]

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